The Pidgin Inferno: CANTO 27

Eh, or one history of University of Hawai‘i football, small kid times to June Jones and now by Jeffrey Higa. Adapted from the Cary translation, The Pidgin Inferno is a complete retelling of all 34 cantos of Dante's Inferno as reimagined in Hawai‘i.

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TL;DR

The Story Thus Far
So Ulysses ‘dem went leave but had one noddah one behind them. She went hear Dante ‘dem talking da’kine so she stay ni‘ele and come for investigate. She went tell them her life story and what she went do. Dante and her talk story till pau hana.

Setting
8th Circle, 8th Bolgia, where get all diss “evil counselors”

Dramatis Personae

• Dante: Public School kine bruddah lost in pakalolo woods

• Virgil: Rap Reiplinger

• Voice from the flames, Canto 27: Katherine Kealoha

The flame went flare up taller than before,
And shook no more. It stay all silent after its story,
And with a gesture, Rap went dismiss him.
But another soon took its place, and from its quivering tip,
Came a voice that was loud like one roar.

     Just like in Kalihi, when one cock stay crowing,
Then another start from across the way,
Until all the illegal chickens stay howling
In one big voice in the morning.
So a roar went start in the flame,
Followed by some moaning,
And only when it went reach the swaying flame’s tip,
Were the sounds changed into one language.

     “Ey, brah, I thought I went hear,
Those sweet nahenahe tones of our ʻāina. (1)
I know I stay late and if it no boddah,
Then can stay and wala‘au little while,
Even though I stay burning?

And did you just go stay come from Hawai‘i?
Maybe can tell me how the Warriors doing,
For I was once a Na Koa kine member, (2)
And sometime my name stay on the Jumbotron. (3)

    I kind of stay leaning in closer for hear
The flame and all of his speaking,
When my guide went nudge me and said,
“You no more mouth or what, go talk to her.”
And so I quickly went say,
     “Ho, sistah, I don’t know where for begin,
Plenty went happen since Dick Tomey days.
After the Tomey went become a Wildcat
In the deserts of Arizona,
His assistant went take over, another haole, Bob Wagner,
Who went do pretty good for awhile.
Mostly went win 8 or 9 games a season,
Until ‘92 when he went big, and lost only two,
But went win the bowl game of the Diego Holiday, (4)
Then went collapse for four years.
Then they went hire someone more worse,
This buggah they call Fred von Appen,
Who never went win more than three games a year,
And his last year went lose every single one.

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1 nahenahe: sweet, brah.

2 Na Koa: The University of Hawai‘i football booster club.

3 Jumbotron: That bambucha scoreboard at the new old stadium. As opposed to the old stadium (Termite Palace) and supposedly going get a new new stadium.

4 Diego Holiday: The Holiday Bowl in San Diego.

Ho, was shame in those days, but somehow we managed
To hire this guy called June Jones.
He was a former QB from back in the 70s
And we thought, ‘Well, no can do worse.’
But braddah went do good, and in that first year,
Went win more games in one season than they won in the previous three,
And suddenly everyone went nuts, 
And like elect June Jones for Gov. (5)
‘June Jones Would Throw’ every rear bumper would say, (6)
And we stay all liking him ‘cause he went start local boys, 
Including that Chinese boy named Timmy Chang,
Who had one deadly rocket for one arm.
And of course, UH went blow it, went promise the coach,
For all fix up everything and make ‘em all better.
But they never and even though Lingle went plead, (7)
Jones bagged for better conditions at SMU Texas.
And then it seemed hard for hire one good coach,
And they try for hire Jones assistant Greg McMakin,
But then he went say some off-color things, 
And the local people were like, “Meh, can do better.”
     Then everybody went get all excited
When they went hire local boy Norm Chow,
Who was college and pro offensive coordinator,
Then he go stay come Hawai‘i and do nothing but choke.
He went lose so bad no one knew what happened,
But we went start getting flashbacks of von Appen.
Then Chow went lose one game by 50 points,
And fans were all, “How can this be? 
I thought he went grad Punahou?”
UH then went hire one coach everyone went like,
Who went by Coach Rolo. (8)
He kinda stay local because as a player, he went take over
For Timmy Chang, then the next year

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5 June Jones for Gov: Remember the June Jones for Governor t-shirts?

6 June Jones Would Throw: Remember the June Jones bumper stickers?

7 Lingle went plead: Former Governor Linda Lingle. Just one more thing she never could do.

8 Coach Rolo: Nick Rolovich

Even went win the Hula Bowl.
As coach, he went win and start recruiting real good
And went back to the Jones Run and Shoot.
Then what always happens, he went get one better offer,
More money but even better facilities,
UH stay stuck, and went all secretive,
And went hire one coach out of retirement.
Todd Graham was his name, went do pretty good,
In the first year went win a bowl game during COVID.
Then lose money the next season
As the stadium stay corroded,
And had for play games on the practice field.
The parents no can even watch the games,
And everything stay a little sad.
Then we go learn that Graham is one abuser,
And all of his players went bag. (9)
Players rebelled, no like play for UH no more,
Even his son went go for the door.
Then he go call Hawai‘i a third world country,
And had for retire again,
Before he go make-A even more dumbly.
So UH went back to the old playbook,
Went call June Jones for take one look.
And June Jones said, “I like do da’ kine,”
But UH went act like they no more the dime.
So JJ went say, ‘Go suck rocks, you guys!’
And UH went say, ‘We go get the other guy.’
And who do you suppose that bruddah was?
UH went all Chang, Timmy of course.
The fans stay all confuse, ‘Wot? He even one coach?’
But Timmy say, ‘No worry, cuz, I get ‘em of course.’

     “But tell me who you stay,” I said,
So I can tell all the others of your name.”
     The fire then roared for awhile while stay thinning,
Before swaying at the tip and saying,
“If I went really believe that you stay living
And not make-die-dead,
Then I would say nothing for preserve my name,

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9 went bag: To leave.

But since no spirit has ever gone back from this place,
I no need lie and try for erase.”

My name stay Katherine and
At first I went do everything right,
Went grad from Mid-Pac and go Chaminade.
Then on to UH for get one J.D., (10)
Which let me open one law office, you see.
Then when started for get political, 
I went work for that Linda Lingle.
She made me one director of something or other,
But really I just went consolidate my power.
With my husband Kealoha, one high makamaka,
Stay working his way up the police department.
And then had one case where I was given kala,
For take care of some kids who no more dollars.
But instead I went convince the courts,
No need worry, I take care them, just read the report.
For me was like free money, it wasn’t my fault,
So I went spend ‘em for pay for private school and my house.
And in eight years I went spend ‘em all up,
Then the kids went grow up and I need for cover up.
So then I started for steal from my tutu,
And went advise her, ‘Ey, you no more clue.’

At that time I was one Deputy Prosecutor,
And could charm or talk for make people ignore,
All the shady dealings that my boo and I did. (11)
We even went tape a fake Uncle who went (12)
Go steal one mailbox which stay one Federal offense.
Then we needed to convince some officers for lie,
And I got caught spending money
On some hunky firefighter guy.
And then came the trials where tried for unravel,

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10 J.D.: Juris Doctorate, one professional law degree.

11 my boo: Slang for ku‘uipo. Or in this case, her husband, Chief Louis Kealoha.

12 fake Uncle: Katherine and Louis Kelaoha staged a theft of their mailbox on CCTV, and went blame the uncle but really wasn’t him.

All the things I went do or said,
But still the judge went gavel,
And sent me and my honey straight away to jail,
With the people wondering how many systems had failed.”

    So when I went ma-ke, St. Francis come for me,
But one demon went stop him and said,
“Auwe! Cannot be!
This wahine has her name in my book,
For when she went convince everyone
That her crimes no need one look.
And she never repent, never apologize or admit,
So she cannot be absolved or forgiven at this time.
‘Cause cannot be proud of your sin
And the same time repentant,
No work that way, despite her legal arguments.”

I can tell you that I stay depress,
And the demon went lift me and said,
“Grabbing a pilau lawyer like you is my success.”

He went carry me to Minos,
Who went wrap his tail eight time around,
And went bite hisself and said,
“‘Go pulehu this one, she goes into the fire!’
And now you see me here in these flames for attire.”

     Her story stay pau, so she suddenly came quiet,
And the flames grew higher and stay more violent,
And then it left us, so we went go too.
We go stay go to the next bridge and see what for view
In the next puka and what was the punishment,
For those who stay suffering heavenly banishment.

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Image by Yaopey Yong.